What fresh nonsense will we have tonight?

Apparently last week Meatball begged Rachel to keep it, and she did, and it all happened during the credits, and I missed it.

pudding: His name is…Meatball.

Pudding sits in front of some bookshelves looking incredulous

We open with Hayden telling the other guys that he called Gabby “rough around the edges.”

“That’s kind of rough though, bro,” Nate says.

Hayden defends herself by saying that Gabby called herself twice.

“I don’t think I did anything wrong, to be honest,” he says. “I guess you probably shouldn’t use that dirty word to describe yourself then.”

Hayden has this face that’s a combination of smug and vapid. It strikes me that someone would have invested in Fyre Festival. The kind of guy who would spend the entire dinner explaining NFTs to you.

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Terry/Gary/Gerry from Parks and Rec says I just want to drown him

Apparently, he also called the women “sluts”, although I didn’t catch it on camera. He says Gabby and Rachel don’t hold a candle to his ex and adds, “I’ll tell you right now, I don’t see how any guy here can say I’m going to marry those girls.”


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A woman says I will end you

His behavior doesn’t sit well with Meatball, and how low have we fallen that a man named Meatball is our voice of reason?

Then Dale shows up and tells the boys that they are going to meet Gabby and Rachel in France. They go to Le Havre where they learn that they will actually be staying on a cruise ship. Weather, COVID was hard on the cruise industry apparently…

The boys and Dale pose in front of the ship

The first face-to-face meeting is in Paris and is between Tino and Rachel. Jason and Gabby, also in Paris, also go on a one-on-one date.

Rachel and Tino make crepes and chocolate covered strawberries, then prepare them in a bridge.

Gabi and Jason go to a wine shop and ride a carousel.

Jason and Gabby laugh

The couples meet later and Gabby and Rachel go to the bathroom to compare dates. There are many laughs. Rachel says she’s surprised she has such strong feelings for Tino so early.

During the dinner they are not allowed to eat, Rachel tells Tino that her last relationship failed because her boyfriend did not support her career. Tino says he needs someone who feels so passionately about what they do in his life. I don’t know what it means.

He gets the date rose.

During their dinner, Jason tells Gabby that he is sensitive and reserved. He says he was so shocked when he got to the mansion, he didn’t eat or sleep for three days and almost had a breakdown. He then says that he never felt good enough as a child.


Gabby talks again about her estrangement from her mother.

They both talk about going to therapy.

She mentions Hayden’s comment to her and Jason says, “Yeah, but Hayden doesn’t deserve you opening up to her. These are his issues that he is projecting onto you.”

Wow. I might like this guy a little.

He gets the date rose.

Next up is Gabby’s group date. The boys appear in a boxing ring. They are learning French boxing. The winner gets to have a special dinner with Gabby.

Two of the boys fight

Rachel goes down to watch the fight, and for some reason seeing the guys fight (literally) over Gabby makes her aware of her relationships and she starts crying…?

I don’t understand what’s going on

Karen from Will and Grace asks What's going on?  What is happening?  What is this

Spencer wins the date and gets to have drinks and apps with Gabby. Apps that can’t eat them.

We rejected Rachel saying her boys ignored her today. They were also watching the boxing match, and she was sitting with Gabi on the other side of the room, so I don’t know how they were supposed to approach her without walking to the front of the ring during the matches.

She says Clayton made her feel more wanted than these guys.

pudding: YIKES.

She walks up to her boys, who are slouched on a drinking couch, and tells them that her feelings are hurt and they didn’t get time with her today.

For her group date, a French couple teaches the boys about romance and seduction. The whole thing is just painfully awkward and awful. At some point they need the French to kiss their fists. Ethan has to flirt with her and chooses to crawl towards her slowly on his hands and knees.

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Also they do not offer any credentials for teachers. Who the hell are these people? Did they just get them off the street? Was a desperate PA like “Here’s $50, tell them to kiss your fist, it’s good” before breaking down in tears because he’s been looking in the hot tub all day?


During the cocktail portion of the date, Tyler tells her that she’s fine doing all the cooking and cleaning to support her career as a pilot. They do outside. He gets the date rose.

Pudding: He had better fist chemistry.

We cut to a bar somewhere in SS WTF and Dale and Logan are talking. Logan received a rose from Rachel. Logan tells Dale that he thinks he feels a better connection with Gabby than Rachel and that he needs to talk to Gabby.

Pudding: Otherwise, we can throw you overboard.

The next night is the pre-Rose Ceremony cocktail hour. Hayden shows Rachel a picture book of his dog, Rambo. He then tells him that Rambo has a brain tumor and is dying. He says he’s sharing this because it wouldn’t be there if it wasn’t important.

Well, first of all, if one of my cats was dying, you couldn’t get me out of his/her bed. Certainly not for a funny reality show. He also called Gabby and Rachel whores and said he couldn’t imagine anyone marrying them.

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Leslie Knope says he's a monster

Meatball pulls Rachel aside and tells her the “shithole” comment. Also apparently Hayden compared Rachel’s breasts to her ex’s, but we didn’t see that.

Rachel confronts Hayden. Before she can say anything, he tells her that he’s upset that she wasn’t nicer to Rambo.

“Is that what you think is going on?” she asks in disbelief.

He denies calling the women whores or comparing her to his ex. She can’t take it for a second and throws him out.

Rachel confronts Hayden


As he exits the ship, Hayden says he’d rather be with Rambo, and no one loves him more than Rambo.


Rachel goes and cries on a couch. Dale announces that they are canceling the cocktail party.

In the end, Logan accepts a rose from Rachel without discussing his feelings for Gabby. Jordan, Kirk and Quincey go home.

“I’d be a fool not to accept a rose if it means I can still talk to Gabby,” he says.

And here we end. Are you watching?

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